I'm Back-ish!

New stage in my life, I think. Actually, just a new abode. We moved from the old house to this kind of newer apartment building. For me, moving to a new house is a new stage. There's a whole bunch of things I have to get used to again. For example, I have to get used to the fact that I'm going to have to unpack that stupid box eventually so that people don't keep tripping over it. It's not even filled with anything cool. Come to think of it, the only thing I know for sure is in there is a tipped over cup of thumb tacks. Where the heck am I going to put those? I suppose I could tack them into the wall and make something artsy out of them...no, that's stupid. You can't make anything artsy with just multicolored thumb tacks. At least, I can't. Well, I can, but I really don't think it would be worth my time.


Anyway, the new place is kind of nice. It has two bedrooms, a living room, a kitchen/dining room, a bathroom/laundry room, and several closets. Perfect for three bachelors. I've gotten used to the new carpet smell, and I think it's because everything in the house smells like it now.


I almost want to post pictures of the new place here so you all can see it, but I don't know...there are a lot of creepy stalker-type people on teh interwebz. I don't feel like giving them pictures of my new sanctuary. YOU HEAR ME, CREEPY STALKERS?! YOU CANNOT HAZ MAH HAOUUUUUUSSSS!!!!


So, I just wanted to post this here, let you know that I might start blogging again. I've been kept away by one or two really really awesome TV shows. But now they're done, so I have an obligation to put my mind to work in some other way.


Hope.


You.


Are.


Happy...

Now You've Done It

Now you've done it. You said something that implied that you're gay, and now she'll never think of you as anything other than "my gay best friend."

Now you've done it. You tried to make it a dirty joke, but it just turned out dirty. There was nothing "joke" about it. He may have lost a little respect for you just now.

Now you've done it. You just realized that your fly was undone pretty much all day. Awkward.

So, today's post is about awkward moments, and how to get the heck out of them.

Getting out of awkward situations is an art. For millenia, humans have been human, which means that pretty much everyone has been in an awkward moment since Adam started wearing fig leaves. Yet, we still seem to have trouble fishing ourselves out of a sticky situation.

The key to getting yourself out of an awkward moment is by playing up how awkward it is. It's already a weird situation, so why not go ahead and publicly acknowledge it? If you're going to acknowledge it, why not make it fun and see how far you can take it before the other person is weirded out or disgusted by you? That way, in the end, you can always say it was planned or just a joke. Let's take a look at the examples I listed above.

Okay, so you implied that you're gay on accident. What was it you said exactly? Let's take a look back - You: Oh yeah! Me and Keith sometimes sit on the love sack and share a bucket of ice cream while watching Sex & the City. - Now that's just bad mouth control on your part. How are you going to keep her from thinking you're gay? 'Cause you know, if she thinks you're gay, you're chance to hit that goes out the window. Stay calm. Here's what you do: First, you play it up by saying something like, "Whoa! That sounds gay...Yeah, me and Keith, we sit on the love sack together, but we don't cuddle or anything. And we do share a bucket of ice cream, but we each use our own spoon...but we are totally not gay! If there was one thing in a million that we weren't, it would be that we're not gay. I actually really do like boobs and what not. Keith is kinda flat and hairy...not to mention he's a guy...anyway..." Second, you throw the ball in her court to get her mind off you, "So, do you watch Sex & the City?" She's either going to say, "Oh my gosh, YES! I LOVE IT" or "uh...no." As long as you get her to think about the show, and not how gay you just made yourself look, you're on your way to safety. Lastly, you flatter her. Who cares if you actually think her outfit looks like she poured blended bunnies on piss colored fabric! Flatter her! Flatter her till your flattery makes no sense at all! The more you get her feeling good or self conscious about her image, the less she focuses on your awkward, gay mistake.

SO, dirty jokes. Nobody appreciates a good dirty joke like I do, especially if it's a "that's what she said" joke. Some TWSS's can be so freaking clever, it's unbelievable! The subtler you are, the awesomer the joke is. But this time, you screwed up. You just dropped the ball on this one. Your boobs are saggy and wrinkled, if boobs were a metaphor for dirty jokes. What was it you said, exactly?...in retrospect, I'd better not repeat what it was. It was pretty bad. Now you and your friend feel like you've been swimming in sin. Don't worry, stay calm. First, play it up by saying something like, "Whoa! That was uncalled for. I'm sorry. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I mean, I guess I was thinking it was gonna be funny, but it clearly wasn't. I was just trying to do it right and I failed. And you know that that's what she said!" Good. You turned your excuse for a bad joke into a TWSS. He loves those jokes as much as you do. Second, change the topic. Talk about that new film you watched last night. Talk about how you think your butt still looks good in skinny jeans. Talk about whether or not you think shaved cats are still cute. Anything to get his mind off your awful dirty joke. Lastly, flatter him. Who cares if you think his outfit looks like he borrowed newspapers from the hobos that live next to the Poor People's Swap 'n' Shop and made clothes out of them! Flatter him! Flatter him till you start thinking that newspaper shirt actually looks kinda nice! The more you get him thinking about how awesome he'd look at the Hobo-Model Runway, the less he's thinking about how dirty he feels because of your bad joke.

Your fly was undone all day. Everyone just about got a good glimpse of your Perky Perry or your Harry Hoo Hoo. This is one is a bit harder to get out of, because you risk sounding like an idiot, and you might ruin your image a little bit. But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Am I right? Okay, first of all, stay calm. Who cares if your fly was down! Be proud of it! You have nothing to hide! You are proud of your...erm...pride! Calmly zip up your pants and grin from ear to ear. Second, make up some story about how good air circulation has scientifically been proven to decrease the number of non functional sperm/eggs. Also, you don't sweat as much. People will think you're making some kind of joke, then they'll laugh at you. This is okay, though! You want them to not be thinking about your Jimmy Jenkins. Now they think that you're clever, or so confident that you don't even feel embarrassed about being caught with your fly down. Lastly, flatter them. Who cares if you think their pants look like they were made with afterbirth and then dipped in guano! Flatter them! Flatter them till they are convinced that walking around with their fly down is awesome! The more you get them thinking about their own zippers and Pecky Peters the less they'll be thinking about yours...unless of course the whole point was to get them to notice you in the first place...that's for a different blog post though.

This is pretty much the way I've been getting myself out of awkward moments for most of my life. It makes your life interesting, and you may find that people will like you more for it.

She's The One For Me

Last week I visited my family in Chicago. We had a jolly good time talking, reminiscing, etc. During one of my conversations with my mom, the question came up: What is your type of girl?

Honestly, I really have to think hard about this one. I dated an amazing girl for five years or so, but it ended up not working out, and that's okay. It's better to have loved and lost than to stop loving someone you end up living with forever.

In many ways, I don't think this post will do my future woman justice. It's hard to know everything about someone you're interested in. There are so many variables that can make or break a relationship. I hate trying to rationalize these kinds of things because love, after all, is not rational. Even if the person of interest matches your criteria for "Future Mr./Mrs. Me," you might find out that what you think you wanted in a person is not actually what you really wanted. A little confusing, but, c'est la vie (French for: it's life). On the other hand, he/she may be the complete opposite of what you were hoping for, and somehow you end up falling in love. That's how it is with my parents. They're both so different from each other, but they seem to love each other. I mean, they did have four kids together and are still happily married. Maybe they're happily married because they needed each other to survive the holocaust that is having four kids like my siblings and me...

However, if you were to point a gun to my head and force me to describe the girl I want for me, I suppose I would give it my best shot. So here goes. You're not holding a gun to my head, but for your sake, I'm pretending that you are. Not sure where this is going so I'll get back on track.

I really could do a better job of showing this, but my faith is very important to me. It seems cliché, but there's a reason so many couples need a common faith to keep them together. Faith means to believe with conviction in something you can't grasp physically. If you have faith, you're going to have values and morals that support what you believe. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, we had better share the same values or we will never see eye to eye.

Obviously, beauty is a factor. But this doesn't mean I hope she looks like a model. Please feed yourself, future Mrs. Me! I've always felt that a person is as beautiful as they feel. My type of girl would feel confident in her own appearance. I know everyone has things about themselves they don't like, but this goes beyond thinking you look perfect. Carry yourself with pride in who you are! So you have a pimple on your nose, or freckles on your skin, so what! You were made in the semblance of someone bigger and more beautiful than life. In other words, you were made beautiful. The more confident you are in that little fact, the more beautiful you are to those around you.

My kind of girl would acknowledge that you can't get everything you want, but would still not be afraid to dream. More importantly she would not be afraid to try to make her dream a reality. We live in hard times. Having something to work for gives you direction and purpose. It motivates you and shapes the way you live your life. Also, then your life will be more like a graceful antelope and less like a limp noodle. Not sure where that was going so I'll get back on track.

Love offers a lot of happiness, but also an equal amount of hardships. Sometimes you need to give something up for the person you love. My girl would understand the importance of sacrifice. How can you say you truly love someone if you aren't willing to give up something that's better for you for something that's better for both of you? Obviously, individuals in a relationship are important. But the awesome thing about love is that it needs to grow beyond the self of each person involved for it to work. There are different levels of sacrifice, but someone who truly loves you will be happy with the sacrifice no matter how big or small. You can't buy that kind of companionship.

I want to be respected. I want to be respected as person. I want to be respected as a man. I don't feel like this needs explaining.

I want her to think I'm funny! If I can't make her laugh, how will I ever know if she's happy? Also, nobody likes to laugh alone, unless you're that loser weirdo who actually does like to laugh alone....I do sometimes....It would be nice if she thinks my sense of humor is actually funny, and not so stupid that she gives me pity laughs for trying so hard. I would like her laughs to be genuine. Which leads me to my next point.

I would like her to be genuine. If you have a problem with the way I do something, tell me! If you love the way I do something, please tell me! I don't want you to have to fake having fun. Why make yourself suffer that way? The most awesome girls are the ones that don't hide behind the person they think everyone will like. That's right. I'm saying if you're not yourself, you are unawesome. I might even go as far as saying if you're not yourself, you're a smelly fish turd. You don't want to be that do  you?

I realize I've been switching between second and third person for my direct object. Just bare with me. Up yours, otherwise.

Please be supportive. It can be difficult to keep the love flames burning if only one person is doing the supporting. I don't feel like this needs explaining.

Have an open mind. The hardest kind of girl to love is the one that is always right. Okay, I know girls are actually always right, but throw me a bone here. If I have an idea that I think might be cool, don't shoot me down. I guess if you really really really don't want to me to follow through with it you could say something like, "Are you sure that's a good idea?" or something that isn't really aggressive. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Yeah, you're right. You're always right. Forget I said anything.

I shouldn't have to say this, but love should obviously be a factor. I'm not going to go into detail here. I just wanted to say it so you would know I actually think this is important. I guess if you really want my take on what love entails, write it in a comment below or text me or whatever.

I feel like the list could go on, but like I said, I don't like to rationalize this kind of thing. I might meet her and find out I love her even though she's a complete...well...she might be reading this, so I'll stop while I'm ahead. No reason to have marital strife before the marital part has become reality.

And Mom, sorry I didn't tell you this when we were talking about it. Actually, the two days after you asked me this question, I spent a lot of it thinking and mulling this question over in my head.

I hope this has given everyone a satisfactory inside look into what I think my kind of girl is. If not...well...not much I can do for you...

Seraph (Prologue)

I have finally made some headway with my fantasy story. The title of the story is Seraph. The following is still a rough draft (actually, it's my first draft), but I thought it was clean enough to give you all a sneak peek.

Seraph: Prologue

                Long ago, when Time had not yet been born, there was Erhu. Erhu lived alone in Eternum. Time and Space, Life and Death, none of them was yet in existence. Erhu began to grow lonely, so he created four beings to live with him fill the void of his loneliness, thus becoming the First Creator.

                First he created Expansum, or Space, in our tongue. Upon Expansum he entrusted the task of creating a world that was pleasing to him. And so, the world of Effendrim was born. Expansum forged mighty mountains and rolling rivers, lush valleys and arid deserts, cool ponds and vast oceans, and Erhu was very pleased.

                Second, Kronnus, or Time, was born. Upon Kronnus was entrusted the task of recording and organizing the events proceeding creation. Every action, physical and ethereal, was written down by Kronnus in the Scroll of Time.

                Third came Zivo, Life. Zivo’s task was to create living beings to populate the world of Effendrim. Everything that now draws breath was created by Zivo.

                Among the creatures created by Zivo was humankind, the most precious to Erhu. Of all Zivo’s creatures, man was the one that closest resembled the First Creator. Erhu bestowed upon them riches and gifts, and they grew to love him dearly. But Zivo had made man’s heart weak, and blackness soon began to grow, filling minds with greed and jealousy. Erhu’s gifts had ultimately made man scorn beautiful Effendrim and lust after the power the creators possessed. An army was raised to strike Erhu and his three children from Eternum and seize their seats of power. In man’s repeated and relentless attempts to breach the Heavens, Effendrim was ravaged by fire and destruction. Erhu grieved deeply for the ruined beauty of Effendrim, and more so for the corrupted hearts of mankind.

                And so, Nekros, Death, was created. So grieved by was Erhu by man that he gave Nekros the task of bringing all life to an end after a time. Every man was given a brief moment of life to mend the wounds caused in Effendrim. At the end, Nekros would come for their souls.

                The sentence of Death led many of the first humans to repent and strive to make amends. But many also remained who hated Erhu and his now repentant followers. Their loyalties divided, two factions were formed. Those loyal to Erhu became the empire of Orda. Those who still hated became the kingdom of Eris. Eris and Orda have been in an endless war since then, Orda, defending Erhu and those loyal to him, and Eris, still attempting to slaughter their way to Eternum and wrest Erhu’s power by force.

                For four thousand years Orda and Eris have been fighting. The death toll increases daily, as does Nekros' soul harvest. 

And there you have it! The first draft of any complete thought for the fantasy short story (but I think it won't actually be THAT short).

Please feel free to leave comments or suggestions in the section below. :)

The Elusive Sandman

It's hard to say when he left the room. I would say he was never there in the first place, but the little piles of sand prove otherwise. The only thing I can say for sure is that it's 5:15 a.m. right now and I'm not asleep. Could it be that I'm distressed because he left little dumps of dirt all over my floor? Maybe I'm upset because he was creepin' in my room while I tried to sleep. In any case, I'm awake, and it's his fault.


Seriously, man. You've been doing this job for at least three hundred years. Maybe age is finally catching up to you? I mean, I suppose lugging around an eternally heavy bag of sand from room to room can get tiring, but you're not even human. You should be able to do this without getting tired or sloppy. I work at a place where the customer is always a priority. I know I don't pay you for gunking up the corners of my eyes with sleepy powder, but I still should be your top priority, especially if you're gonna be creepin' in my digs!


You know what happens when I can't sleep? My mind wanders. You name the fantastical place, my mind has been there. I've seen three horned unicorns (yes, I know, that would technically make it a tricorn, but in my mind it made sense), gumdrop waterfalls, pickle orchards, talking mushrooms, poor leprechauns, rich beggars, trees with teeth, trees with wings, trees with girlfriends...the list literally goes on forever. Now whenever I try to sleep I'm terrified. I'm beginning to think I might not be as sane as I was hoping.


I don't know, I guess I should be thankful that you put sand in my eyes and not in my pants. Waking up with dirt in your crack doesn't sound pleasant. Speaking of cracks, all that dirt that you spilled on your way in/out of my room, it doesn't fall between the floor boards. You could at least sweep it under the rug or something.


Ugh, now that I'm actually trying to be creative I feel you creepin'. My eyelids are getting heavier as we speak. You sneaky, sneaky villain! You don't let me sleep when I want to, you don't let me stay awake long enough to try to be creative.


OKAY! FINE! You win. I'm going to bed. But I'd better fall asleep dang near right away or there will be dunes of pain coming your way. I'm not sure how to catch a sandman, but I'm guessing you really wouldn't like a glass of water dumped into your sandbag.


You've been warned, Sandman. I sleep, or your precious sleepy sand gets the precious wakey water.

Unleash the Storm!

It has been tornado junction in this part of the Midwest. Two days in a row we've had tornado warnings/sightings/etc. Now, I've never actually seen a tornado in real life before, so this had me pretty excited. Not "excited," as in, you're going to DisneyWorld, yay, you're so excited. I mean "excited," as in, oh my gosh I just got a text message maybe I do have friends I'm so excited!...It's going to be really awkward if I find out that I'm the only one that gets that excited over a text message...


Anyway, I decided that I'm going to quit my job at the restaurant. I've decided to become a storm chaser! Have you ever watched that show on Discovery Channel? I think it was called "Storm Chasers" or something...but in this show, they drive up to a random pavement, drop some cone thingy with camera jiggers in it, and drive away. The little cameras then record rubble (that's right.....rubble. "Rubble," as in, little pieces of dirt and pebbles and poop) as it flies around the cone. Among other things, this gives the storm chasers how fast the wind spins around/inside a tornado.


That's what I want to do. Well, I don't want to stop driving and leave the comfort of my seat. And...I don't want to carry a heavy surveillance device that would slow me down when I need to be uber fast so I don't get blown to death by a tornado. Also, I don't really care how fast the tornado is spinning, I just want to chase it. So, I guess there's really only one thing I want to do from that Discovery Channel show.


First thing I need to do, is get some wheels. I don't think my friends would appreciate getting tornado poop all over their car. So, I guess I'm going to need some money. I guess that means I can't quit my job.


Oh well, I tried. A cool dream has come and gone. I can't wait to find out what the next one will be!

To My Brother From the Same Mother

I want to take a moment to publicly recognize someone who is very important to me. This person has been, in many ways, my role model, my guide, and my inspiration for who I've decided to become. Acting as my conscience, adviser, mentor, and keeper, this person has done so much for me and I have never taken the time to thank him. Daniel, brother, this one is for you.


Few people know you, bro, the way I do. Years of living with you have taught me to be able to see behind your eyes and into a deep, contemplative, complicated mind. You have always been a thinker, and by that I mean you would actually go places alone and do nothing but think. You would think about books that you've read (and you've read a lot of books), movies you've seen, people you've heard, and you would try to make them all work together, just to see if it was possible. I think your college years were your happiest. You had a chance to read more books, watch more movies, listen to more people, and do much more thinking. Eventually, you hoped you would get the chance to put all of that thinking to the test.


Then came life after college. I think it's safe to say that life after college is pretty much never what graduates expect. You weren't able to find a job consistent with your degree right away, but that was no big surprise. Almost no one does. You tried being a sales representative. As someone who's been there, I can say that it must have sucked hard core. I was always impressed with how you stuck with it and always came back with a goofy grin because something weird happened to you that day. When I was a sales representative, I just came back tired and cranky. Anyway, it just seemed like your life was full of adventure, especially when you almost died in Peru or wherever. That was quite a story to hear!


However fun or adventurous your life may seem on the outside, I know that it must cause you quite a bit of stress and pain. How could it not? Being on the verge of poverty has been something you and I have grown up with, but it has never been something to get used to. We've both been scratching and scraping to pay off college debt, and it never seems to end. I know our lives have not been the stuff from fairy tales where they live happily ever after. I know that we've both done things that we will regret for the rest of our lives because we can't forgive ourselves even though every one else already has. We both have been living lives that punch us in the face and kick us while we're down. I've tried to imagine myself not stressing over money, but that seems like an impossibility. I know you have probably been thinking the same. I also know that you probably have many more problems that I may never hear about. But I do know that you will come out winning, like you always have.


So when you feel like tearing at your hair and crying out, "what the hell am I supposed to do now," consider everything our family has gone through and still come out alive on the other end. We lived in a country where corruption was a way of life, but Mom and Dad fought the flow and held fast to their moral standards. Even though doing business honestly was not the most profitable way to live, we are still alive. Remember how our uncle would criticize Americans until we were bleeding from the ears from listening to him? He wasn't the only man like that. The majority of the people in our neighborhood hated Americans, for no good reason, but we are still alive. When we moved back to the United States, we came poor and we stayed poor. Job after job, problem after problem, it just seems like life keeps pelting us with shit, but we are still alive.


Sometimes, life is just hard to live. We live in difficult times, and it seems like everyone in our family has a shit magnet stuck to our backs. Everywhere we go, trouble follows. We can't seem to get a break. I know this has been the case for you. It has been for me as well. But don't think for a second that your problems are your fault! Life has a way of testing you, of tempering you until you are nigh unbreakable. Daniel, you have been through more problems than anyone else I know, and you've always come back up swinging your fists for more. Yes, you would get beat down, but then you would get up and puff up your chest in defiance as if to say, "Is that really all you've got?" Mom always talks about how problems roll off of me like water on duck feathers. What she probably didn't realize is that I have become that way from watching you. Your ability to have an unshakable faith in God being right, no matter what the circumstance, has always been your greatest quality. The meaning of the name Daniel is: God is my judge. This means that the only living being to be able to dictate your life is God himself. What a terrifying and comforting realization, knowing that there is literally nothing in the world that can stop you from achieving your dreams because God is the only one that can actually tell you "no."


If you ever feel like you are under appreciated, first of all, forgive me for not thanking you for being my keeper. But also know that there are many people who have been positively affected by you, possibly without realizing it. You have never been a man of many words, bro, but we all know that actions speak louder; you have always been a man of action, and that is what everyone is going to see. People can see your integrity, your honesty, your desire for the good of humankind. You have the heart of a stalwart defender, a fierce attacker, and a caring steward. People see this in you. We can see that you are what it means to have faith the size of mustard seed and still be able to move mountains. Maybe it doesn't seem that way to you, but that's only because you can't feel the weight you've lifted from my shoulders time after time.


If you feel like nobody cares about you, you've never been more mistaken. Mom and Dad planned you. You weren't a broken prophylactic. Mom and Dad loved you before you were an embryo...and then they made you and embryo, but we don't have to go into details. Your siblings have always cared about you too. We may have teased and pestered you, but that's only because we find ourselves unable to express our undying respect and envy of the person you've become. And of course, never forget that God nailed eternal proof of his love for you on a common crucible so that all people, dead and living, could see that you are someone for whom he gives a damn. Bro, that kind of love can't be severed by a thousand swords. There is no pit in Hell hot enough to consume the love directed toward you.


I wrote this because, as I've said, I've never taken the time to thank you for being my big brother. Reading over this post, I can see that it could bear to be revised and polished, but I choose to leave it as is. I wrote this from the heart. You deserve to have my thanks in its raw form. Maybe that only actually makes sense to me and not to anyone else....The point is, you are who I want to be when I grow up (I still have quite a bit of growing to do I think). Thanks for being my moral compass. Thanks for being the one to side with me when no one else would. Thanks for lending a helpful hand when mine are full.


Thanks for being my brother.