The AXE Effect

There's nothing quite as arousing as waking up to the smell of fresh sprayed sex in your room. Sound vulgar? A bit inappropriate maybe? Well, blame it on AXE bodyspray and it's secret "AXE effect." Judging by numerous ads and the sketchy actors/actresses involved, the AXE effect is a simple matter of solving the right mathematical equation, which happens to be: 

(smelly-unattractive male) + (copious amounts of AXE bodyspray) = (more freakin' sex than you'll ever want)

Does it really work? I have my doubts, and here's why:

1) When my roommate sprays that stuff on, it takes over the whole freakin' room. It's like the creeping slime stuff the Zerg spill on the ground in StarCraft. It's like the bazillion (it's a real number..shut up!) Hugo Weavings in The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions. But do I like this smell, this apparently "sexy" aroma? Mostly I just find it abrasive. To me, it's like that thing that wouldn't shut up, except instead of my ears being violated it's my nose.

2) Why would I use AXE when I can use Old Spice instead? Does AXE have a spokesman that represents all that every woman desires in a man and that every man desires in himself? Does AXE have "the man your man could smell like?" Why use AXE when the guy speaking for Old Spice is called Isaiah Mustafa? Does AXE persuade you to buy their product with philosophical waxes that are so ludicrous they make the most sense in the world? That's what I thought...

3) What speaks louder and clearer than the voice of experience? I was quite the avid AXE user when in high school. I don't recall ever being assaulted by chicks at the lockers. I'm pretty sure that being in a boarding school had nothing to do with it.

So, that's pretty much why I don't think the AXE effect is real. What would girls find attractive in a product that makes them feel like they're inhaling fiberglass and acid?

If I were to create my own mathematical equation to explain the AXE effect, it would look something like this:

(smelly-unattractive male) + (copious amounts of AXE bodyspray) = (dead girl in your room. Gratz. You're a murderer now.)

I will say this in their favor, though: the smell was so strong that it forced me to wake up and make it to work on time. Kudos!