Guilt Tripping

If you know me, you know that I'm a super nice guy. I might be too nice, in fact. I'm so nice, if you asked me to give you a bite of my sandwich, I would. I'm so nice, if you asked me to give you a thigh massage, I would. I'm so nice, if you asked me to take off my clothes and give it to you, I would. In short, I'm kind of a push over. Please don't make me do stuff...

I actually might not do everything I said I would, but if you really really wanted me to, you would just have to guilt me into it. My biggest weakness is other people's vulnerability, especially if it's a girl/lady/crone. If you ask me to do something and it looks like I really don't want to, here's a list of things you can do to get me to change my mind:

Guilt Tripping Techniques

• Look down at your toes. It makes you look dejected.
• Do that puppy eye thing. Seriously, my freakin' kryptonite.
• Threaten to end our friendship if I don't comply.
• Whine.
• Pretend to ask other people to do it and not find anyone that's willing to help you.
• Tell me that I'm your last resort. That will offend me, since you thought about me last, making me want to show you up by doing what you ask me to do.
• After I say "no," don't say anything. If you don't say anything you make me feel like I killed your guinea pig.
• Whine.
• Tell me that I'm a good person and I'm the only one that ever does anything for you. Why would I want to prove you wrong?
• Say there's a baby involved. Any baby but mine will do.
• Pretend to cry. Don't worry if you're bad at acting. It actually still works on me. Not even joking.
• Whine.
• Say something like, "Remember the time when you told me you'd help me?" It doesn't matter if it's not true. I have so little faith in my memory, I'll probably believe you.
• Ask repeatedly. It's like hitting someone time after time with a spoon. Eventually something will break.
• Of course, whine.

I'm sure there are more ways you could guilt me into doing things. It's not hard. I've tried, on occasion, to try to just say "no" and walk away, the idea being that I would become a little less of a push over. What actually happens when I say "no" is that little parts of me die inside. The little dead parts stay in me for the rest of the day. I lose sleep over it. I lose my appetite. I repeatedly kick myself mentally. It's a pretty serious emotional attack.

The magic of the whole shebang is that "guilt" implies I've done something wrong, even when that isn't necessarily the case. So when you make me feel like I'm hurting you by saying "no," you wreak mental, psychological, and emotional havoc on my insides. Imagine throwing an assortment of fuzzy little rodents in a powered blender. Imagine being the little bird the cuckoo pushes out of the nest. Imagine a happy family of sea squirrels getting mauled by sharks. That is what you do to me when you guilt trip me. Maybe you're the one who should be feeling guilty next time!