Guilt Tripping

If you know me, you know that I'm a super nice guy. I might be too nice, in fact. I'm so nice, if you asked me to give you a bite of my sandwich, I would. I'm so nice, if you asked me to give you a thigh massage, I would. I'm so nice, if you asked me to take off my clothes and give it to you, I would. In short, I'm kind of a push over. Please don't make me do stuff...

I actually might not do everything I said I would, but if you really really wanted me to, you would just have to guilt me into it. My biggest weakness is other people's vulnerability, especially if it's a girl/lady/crone. If you ask me to do something and it looks like I really don't want to, here's a list of things you can do to get me to change my mind:

Guilt Tripping Techniques

• Look down at your toes. It makes you look dejected.
• Do that puppy eye thing. Seriously, my freakin' kryptonite.
• Threaten to end our friendship if I don't comply.
• Whine.
• Pretend to ask other people to do it and not find anyone that's willing to help you.
• Tell me that I'm your last resort. That will offend me, since you thought about me last, making me want to show you up by doing what you ask me to do.
• After I say "no," don't say anything. If you don't say anything you make me feel like I killed your guinea pig.
• Whine.
• Tell me that I'm a good person and I'm the only one that ever does anything for you. Why would I want to prove you wrong?
• Say there's a baby involved. Any baby but mine will do.
• Pretend to cry. Don't worry if you're bad at acting. It actually still works on me. Not even joking.
• Whine.
• Say something like, "Remember the time when you told me you'd help me?" It doesn't matter if it's not true. I have so little faith in my memory, I'll probably believe you.
• Ask repeatedly. It's like hitting someone time after time with a spoon. Eventually something will break.
• Of course, whine.

I'm sure there are more ways you could guilt me into doing things. It's not hard. I've tried, on occasion, to try to just say "no" and walk away, the idea being that I would become a little less of a push over. What actually happens when I say "no" is that little parts of me die inside. The little dead parts stay in me for the rest of the day. I lose sleep over it. I lose my appetite. I repeatedly kick myself mentally. It's a pretty serious emotional attack.

The magic of the whole shebang is that "guilt" implies I've done something wrong, even when that isn't necessarily the case. So when you make me feel like I'm hurting you by saying "no," you wreak mental, psychological, and emotional havoc on my insides. Imagine throwing an assortment of fuzzy little rodents in a powered blender. Imagine being the little bird the cuckoo pushes out of the nest. Imagine a happy family of sea squirrels getting mauled by sharks. That is what you do to me when you guilt trip me. Maybe you're the one who should be feeling guilty next time!

Short Story "Teaser Trailer"

I would like to thank all those of you who voted and helped me pick a genre for my short story! The winning category was FANTASY!

I don't want to give away too much, but I will tell you this: The main character's name is Seraph. He belongs to a centuries old order of holy protectors of the empire he lives in. His empire and an opposing empire have been at war for a long, long time. Both empires are aided by deities, Seraph's empire by one, the enemy empire by at least four.

I'd like to offer an opportunity to you, as a gift for being faithful readers. I'm having trouble coming up with a names for characters that will be in the story. I have a concept for what I want some of the characters to be like, but they're just ideas without names right now. If you would like your name to be in the story, go ahead and type your name in the comment section below. You can submit your name as is, or you can alter it to sound "fantasyish."

Don't be afraid! I would be thrilled to have you in my story! :)

Also, based on the number of comments I had when I asked for votes on a genre, I think it might be safe to say that everyone who submits his/her name will be in the story. So don't worry about being outsubmitted!

The Cuckoo Bird

Recently I've been having a little bit of writer's block. Actually, I didn't really realize I had it until I sat down in front of the screen just now. What causes writer's block? In my case, not being able to do something that I'm usually able to do is caused by something new taking up space in my mind. 

Are you familiar with the cuckoo bird? When it's time for the mother cuckoo to lay her egg, she hides among the bushes, waiting, watching for other mother birds to leave their nests. When she spots a mother bird leaving her nest to find food, the cuckoo flies to the nest, lays her egg, and leaves. When the baby cuckoo hatches, it wobbles around in the nest, pushing the other baby birds or eggs over the edge. This ensures that the baby cuckoo is the only one left to feed when the mother of the other birds returns. It's brutal. It's cruel. It's heartless. And it's just what that new something does to my creativity.

Sometimes finding the baby cuckoo of my creativity helps me get back on track. But identifying the little jerk isn't easy. Am I being distracted by a new game I've gotten into? Am I thinking about a girl? Am I hungry? Am I concerned that I'm dreaming about banging faulty grenades against hard surfaces to make them blow up? It could be none of the above. The dumb thing is it could also be all of the above, i.e., a girl that's distracting me with a new game when I'm hungry and also asleep, dreaming about banging faulty grenades against hard surfaces. That's the only way I can rationalize it.

Of course, writer's block doesn't have to be caused by something blind, naked, and ugly, like the evil cuckoo demon-bird-baby from hell (I decided to add some adjectives. What kind of baby kills other people's babies?!). It could be something awesome or beautiful that's just so good, it distracts from the task at hand. For example, it could be a new game you just got into. It could be a girl. It could also be a dream about trying to blow up grenades that just won't blow up. Who cares if they do, you're asleep and you can't die. How awesome is that? See what I did there? Two different points of view for the same problem. I'm a freakin' genius.

Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to use the problem against itself. Like what I'm doing here: instead of being a pee pants about my literary inhibition, I'm making it the source of my creative awesome. Do you have problems that you're stressing over? Try this approach. It might work. Okay, let's say that your in-laws are over at your place. Big problem. You hate your in-laws. They're always talking about how your husband/wife was better off before you got married. Also, they hate your new hair cut. Don't worry. All you have to do is get them to start talking about themselves. Ask them about their dog, Mufasa. Didn't he have some problem with his whatever? So how is he now? Oh my, you had to get him neutered! I would not like to be in his position. Yes, I can understand why that would make you feel terrible. How could you not? You basically just shot Mufasa's legacy in the jewels!

See? You got them to talk about themselves, completely forgetting you in the process. Of course, if you have a really good relationship with your in-laws you won't have to try this. And if you do, you came up with the idea on your own, you understand? Note: I would like to apologize to any in-laws who might have been offended. I'm not married, so I don't have any, but in case you read this after I marry your daughter, you have my sincerest apologies.

So, what do you do when the baby cuckoo pushes your creativity babies out of your nest? Do you pout and stomp away like a little girl (I'm not being sexist...that's just what little girls do...)? Do you man up and kick your creative block in the ass (I'm not being sexist...that's just what men do. That's why we say man up...)? Note: I would like to apologize to any girls who might have been offended while reading this paragraph. There is no way I think guys are superior to girls. That would be silly! That would be like saying a king is superior to a queen, or that the father is the head of the family, which, of course, is untrue and absurd. I'm not married, but just in case my future wife is reading this, you have my sincerest apologies, my love. I'll make you a candlelit dinner with wine to make up for it.

Why Did I Trust You?

Why did I trust you, o, bagel toaster?

Why did I let you heat up my snack?

All I asked for was a slightly crispy treat.

Instead, you mock me and char my meal to a cracker thin crisp.

There will be no bagel phoenix rising from my bagel ashes.

There will be no salvation for my food condemned to Hell.

I asked for a golden, honeyed brown.

You gave me firewood instead, and turned my smile upside down.

This layer of cream cheese barely masks the flavor of your prank.

I can taste forever the cancer you seared on my plate.

There will be no next time, demon bagel toaster from Hell.

I will never again fall prey to your heinous misdeeds.

Prepare to meet your maker, ogre spawn from the murky below.

Where once you had a friend in me, now I am your darkest foe.

Choose Your Destiny...

Alright, blog fans! Today's post is going to be quite short, and here's why: I decided that it'd be cool to write a short story of some sort, but I can't decide on the genre. I'm going to list a few of the ideas I have in mind. What I need you to do is to vote on which one you want to read most.

Pick Your Story:

1. Mystery: This will be heavily influenced by Sir Arhtur Conan Doyle's work. It will probably be nowhere near as epic as the Sherlock Holmes stories, but I'll give it my best.
2. Fantasy: I'm not sure how I would do this one. I'm not sure whether to create my own creatures or to draw from other works (meaning, use the typical fantasy creatures: dwarves, dragons, elves, fairies, etc.).
3. Historical Fiction: I love history. Protagonists for this short story will likely be selected from the Renaissance or earlier (Rome, Greece, Vikings, etc.).
4. Romance: I've never written a romance, and I don't really think I could write one that is convincing and not extremely sappy. But I'm willing to give it a go and be subject to criticism.
5. Zombie Apocalypse: The whole point of a zombie apocalypse is to stay alive. The best way I could think of making this worth your while is by making it a "choose your own adventure" kind of story. This would take considerably more work on my part, by I believe it could be fun.

And there you have it! To vote, just post a comment in the comment section below, stating which genre you would like me to write. If you know my phone number, a text message is acceptable too.

Your Worst Enemy...Is YOU!!!

Almost everyone has a time in life when he/she goes through a process where they realize they aren't who they should/want to be. This leads to varying degrees of identity crises, during which the individual goes through personal transformation. What does he/she hope to accomplish through this metamorphosis? Generally, self fulfillment.

Self fulfillment can mean a lot of things, but the best way to explain it is that it's when someone (let's aka this someone as Keith) feels satisfied with who he is. This often means that Keith will either change until people think he's socially acceptable. Or Keith will just decide he doesn't really care what other people think. Actually, the "I don't care what people think" stance is sort of weird because most people that "don't care what people think" are people who want to be seen by others as the people who "don't care what people think," which mean that they actually do care what people think because they want to be viewed a certain way by society. That was quite a mouthful. And that's what she said.

But seriously, how many of you have not been through this stage? If you haven't, you probably will at some point in your life. Take me for example: I'm a single, sexy, bachelor on the prowl. But right now I'm a bit self conscious of a certain protrusion (mah belleh!) that I keep trying to hide when I meet people. Did you not get the "mah belleh" reference? One sec....

Yeah...if you haven't guessed, the protrusion I spoke of is mah gutsikinz, my tub of happiness, my frontal camel hump, my "wiggle him and see him jiggle", the place where my food goes. If you still don't know what I'm talking about you must have been dropped as a kid...a lot. Anyway, let's not focus on my belly.

So I decided that my identity crisis and my fat-vat are connected! The way I see it, when the gut of doom goes, so does the lack of self confidence. Also, then I'd be hawt. So what am I doing about this revelation of mine? Well, one of my challenges for this year is to develop a habit for exercise; I started a twenty-three day long trial, one day for every year of my life. The challenge is to get myself to go running every day (except for the days when I let my muscles recuperate...or when I decide to stay up blogging....) at 2 A.M. Why at 2 A.M.? Well, that's when all the people in town are asleep. People sleeping means fewer (if any) eye witnesses to the bobbing mass that's thudding passed their house. Also, I'm up that late every day anyway, so, might as well.

What do I hope to accomplish after my challenge is complete? Hopefully the habit will stick and the twenty-three days will turn into something I feel uncomfortable not doing. I get to a point where I want to be able to parade my body in front of those who care to look. Oh, and I'll be healthier to. Minor detail.

Another side affect of completing this challenge could be that I start to pick up other healthier habits. This way one good thing leads to another and eventually I'm that guy that every girl wants.

Man. I really seem to be hung up on this people thinking I'm attractive thing....which is understandable, because, I am attractive...somewhere...I'm sure of it...

You know about snowballs, yeah? You're at the top of a hill, get a little ball of snow, roll it down, it gets bigger and heavier and rounder. Well, that's what I want to do with good habits, except bigger and rounder and heavier is something I don't really need for myself right now. But that's what this challenge is supposed to accomplish. Completing this challenge will lead to my eventual self fulfillment. I'm sure there's a proverb somewhere concerning habit building: "Shake it 'til you break it" or "If you poke it long enough it eventually caves" or "yay! that there pile's bigger than it used to be" or something like that. I don't know. I shouldn't be awake right now.

But in what way have you gone through an identity crisis? What did you do/are you doing to reach that state of self fulfillment?

On A More Serious Note

I felt the need to write something a bit more serious this time. So far, every post has added a bit of humor to different aspects of my life. This makes for fun reading, but it also might sugar coat or glaze the point I'm trying to make. While this isn't a bad thing, I think tonight deserves something a bit more introspective.

Last night my friends celebrated my twenty-third birthday with me. We had some great food, some cake, a few beers...it was a great night. Seeing my friends around me made me feel safe, comfortable, and well cared for. The night before, my family called to sing "Happy Birthday" and tell me how much they loved me. Even with nine hours of driving time between us, they didn't forget to call me on my birthday.

During the last few years, it seemed that I had gotten myself into a pattern where nothing went well for me. Money has been an issue for my family for as long as I can remember. Stress seems to have been with us for even longer. Trial after trial after trial, and still, it seemed that my life was only going downhill.

Last year I remember talking to my adviser in college, telling her that I couldn't remember the last time I was happy. It was a particularly trying year for me. I wasn't doing well in classes, and I had gotten to a point where I cared less how the year ended. Most likely it wasn't going to be good. 

It's funny how flawed our logic can be under hard times. In my mind, all my problems were connected to people and places that I knew. The obvious solution was to go somewhere where I didn't know anyone. Looking back I can see that it was stupid of me, but at the time it made sense. I moved to Ames, Iowa, to see what I could do to repair my life.

Ames proved to be a bad idea. I was penniless and friendless in a town of over fifty thousand people. It did not matter how or where I looked for work; nobody seemed to want me. I stayed there for at least two months, searching for work, trying to survive. I chose some days to stay home and do nothing, my reasoning being that if I didn't exert my body, I wouldn't be hungry, making my food supply last that much longer. My friends from college kept trying to get me to leave Ames and come live with them. I refused. I even missed my friend's wedding so I could continue job searching. I needed to prove to myself that I could live on my own. If I could live on my own, I wouldn't have to worry about other people bringing me down with them. Eventually, my time ran out. I was out of money and could no longer afford to pay the rent for my apartment. I was lonely, poor, hungry, and I needed help.

Out of nowhere, things got better. My buddies came to Ames to grab my things and take me with them to the house they were sharing in Sioux Center, the town I had tried to leave. Almost instantly, I got my old job at the restaurant back. I was making money. I was eating regularly. My life was turning right side up. It was clear that things were only going to improve.

So as I sat there, surrounded by friends, at my twenty-third birthday party, I contemplated the rarity of being able to live with people who want you to succeed. How often do you find smiles that aren't superficial, but filled with care? How many people have functional families that, even through the stress of living on the edge of poverty, takes the time to call them to tell them they are loved? There are very few precious moments in our lives and we would be fools to take them for granted. How could I dare look at my life and complain about how badly I was living? Even at work, I can tell that my coworkers want me to do well. I'm not just some person they work with. I'm part of their family. How many people get to have more than one really awesome family?

Contemplating through the buzz of conversation (and the buzz from the beer) I couldn't help but smile inwardly. I had tried so hard to make it on my own, only to fail miserably. Being rescued by my friends and family taught me that there is no shame in needing to have people who know you can depend on.

As the night was finishing, I got a text message from a dear friend which read, "Go outside your front door ASAP and look down." I walked outside to find a single vanilla custard cone sitting on the deck in front of the door. As I ate the most delicious cone I've ever eaten, I realized...I live a charmed life.