Dutch People

If you aren't from Sioux Center, Pella, Grand Rapids, or Lynden, then you probably aren't aware that there are pockets of Dutch communities throughout our country. In the most "in the middle of nowhere" places, the places where you expect to see nothing but landscape and hillbillies, hide these towns, overflowing with the descendants of imported Hollanders.


Now, the Dutch, as everyone who knows Dutch people knows, are all the same. After living among them for five years, I have discovered that there are three things that will guarantee whether or not so and so is Dutch: 

1. The all have ridiculously long names, like: Maarschalkerweerd, Kortenhoven, Van Coevorden, and Rodenburgh.
   
2. They're all related. I'm not joking. They have this silly game called "Dutch Bingo." The object of the game is to find out how you are related to someone you just found out you're related to (this isn't hard, because, like I said, they're all related). It's an easy game to recognize. You know someone is playing Dutch Bingo when you overhear this kind of conversation:
   "Oh! You're last name is Vander Zander! You know, I have a cousin who lives in Grand Rapids whose last name is Van Zandervanderwhatsit. Your great great uncle once removed didn't happen to be Karl Vander Van Zandervanvanmaanen, did he?"
   "You know, I think he actually was! If I recall correctly, he moved to Lynden way back in 1892 or whatever.."
   "Yeah! And he got married and sired like...fourteen kids...three boys and the rest girls. One of them eventually moved out to Grand Rapids."
   "No way! I was just talking to my mom's second cousin about how we have relatives in Grand Rapids that moved from Lynden way back when. In fact, I think we talked about the guy you're talking about. I think her exact words were, 'There were fourteen of them. Three boys and the rest girls. He eventually moved to Grand Rapids.'"
   "Ok...this is too cool. There's just no way we are not related. How small is this world?!"
   Too small...the world is way too small when there are over seven billion people on the planet's surface and every other person you run into is your mother's uncle's son in law.
3. They are all obsessed with saving money and getting the biggest gain for the tiniest cost. All of them. Obsessed. Big gain. Tiny cost. This natural - and I daresay, instinctive - compulsion to save money has led a large portion of the American-Dutch population to live quite comfortably. Unfortunately this also makes them the worst customers imaginable.

That third point is the one I'd like to hone in on in this post. We are just getting through our "Coupon Craze" at our restaurant. Every once in a while, we send out coupons to the community. You would not believe the amount of attention we get because of those stupid things. A week or two before they expire, the whole town shows up at our doorstep to make sure they are saving money by using their coupons. The word "mob" comes to mind. I'm pretty sure if there was some kind of sale on pitchforks and torches they would be buying those too.

Anyway, the point of the coupons is to get people to come to the restaurant, use them on something they want, and maybe get something else that catches their eye.

Not Dutch customers. These people are smart. Every loop hole, every square inch of coupon goodness is exploited to the max by these clever, clever Hollanders. I've sold a $35 value meal for the amazing price of $1.37, or something absurdly...absurd like that. That's not a bad deal at all. You would agree, yes?

We have all sorts of coupons. Anything from $1 off your meal to BOGO (that's Buy One Get One) something crazy. So when you get customers that come in, get two burgers for the price of one, and then have the gall to complain that our food is too expensive, you can't help but be a little...pissed, really.

Seriously?...You're complaining to me about paying too much money? Look, honey, first of all, you seem to be a sweet old lady, the kind that gives kiddies cookies and milk and what not. As such, I feel like you really won't even be able to finish one of those burgers you're buying. There are smaller things on our menu, and cheaper...What's that? You're upset that you can't use your senior discount on top of that 50% off deal? You really want your fifteen cents that badly? I don't know what to tell you. I'm not allowed to do that. What's that? You don't think it's fair? Um...lady...you do understand that this is a business, not a charity...right? Okay, just checking. It just seems like you want us to give you all we have for free, which would make us go out of business, which would make us unable to offer you these amazing deals on a crap ton (real measurement) of food. So, if you think about it, the best way for you to save as much money as you can is to spend as much money as you can afford. I can see that you're excited. I'm glad you've changed your mind and are no longer complaining about our prices.

That actually never happens. The part where they stop complaining I mean. But seriously, people...of course the fish is expensive. It's fish! Where do we live? Iowa. Where do fish come from? Oceans and lakes and shit (we actually do have quite a bit of that last thing in Iowa. Yay, cows!). This means that we need to pay people to catch them, filet them, store and preserve them, and deliver them. That's a lot of paying. I mean, it's not like we took fish shaped breading and squeezed "fish" paste into them. It's real. So take your fish with your awesome deal, sit down, stay a while, and shut up....please. And enjoy your meal, for Heaven's sake!...

That's pretty much the way it goes. I'm surprised we haven't been couponed out of business. We are way too generous. It's like lending someone a hand, but they don't return it to you. But that's okay. We're here to serve selflessly, with absolutely no regard for our own personal comfort or job security. No no, I don't want your guilt laden apology. Just take your food and go. Leave me here...alone...with only the lint in my pocket to trade for food at the Poor People's Swap 'n' Shop.

Since I live in a Dutch community, I might get a lot of flack for this. So I might as well just hammer the nails into my coffin by trying my hand at some Dutch jokes....

Yay! Dutch Jokes!

• Q: How do you catch a Dutchman?
  A: Use coupons as bait.
• Q: What's the best present to give to a Dutch relative?
  A: A BOGO certificate. That way they get not one, but two presents.
• Q: I'm Dutch and have never played Dutch Bingo. How do I find out who my relatives are?
  A: Do you live in a small town? Then don't worry. You're all related somehow.

Note: I don't hate Dutch people. I actually might be ambiguously Dutch myself. Thanks for being good sports. ;)


Oh! Please feed the fish on your way out. :D