The AXE Effect

There's nothing quite as arousing as waking up to the smell of fresh sprayed sex in your room. Sound vulgar? A bit inappropriate maybe? Well, blame it on AXE bodyspray and it's secret "AXE effect." Judging by numerous ads and the sketchy actors/actresses involved, the AXE effect is a simple matter of solving the right mathematical equation, which happens to be: 

(smelly-unattractive male) + (copious amounts of AXE bodyspray) = (more freakin' sex than you'll ever want)

Does it really work? I have my doubts, and here's why:

1) When my roommate sprays that stuff on, it takes over the whole freakin' room. It's like the creeping slime stuff the Zerg spill on the ground in StarCraft. It's like the bazillion (it's a real number..shut up!) Hugo Weavings in The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions. But do I like this smell, this apparently "sexy" aroma? Mostly I just find it abrasive. To me, it's like that thing that wouldn't shut up, except instead of my ears being violated it's my nose.

2) Why would I use AXE when I can use Old Spice instead? Does AXE have a spokesman that represents all that every woman desires in a man and that every man desires in himself? Does AXE have "the man your man could smell like?" Why use AXE when the guy speaking for Old Spice is called Isaiah Mustafa? Does AXE persuade you to buy their product with philosophical waxes that are so ludicrous they make the most sense in the world? That's what I thought...

3) What speaks louder and clearer than the voice of experience? I was quite the avid AXE user when in high school. I don't recall ever being assaulted by chicks at the lockers. I'm pretty sure that being in a boarding school had nothing to do with it.

So, that's pretty much why I don't think the AXE effect is real. What would girls find attractive in a product that makes them feel like they're inhaling fiberglass and acid?

If I were to create my own mathematical equation to explain the AXE effect, it would look something like this:

(smelly-unattractive male) + (copious amounts of AXE bodyspray) = (dead girl in your room. Gratz. You're a murderer now.)

I will say this in their favor, though: the smell was so strong that it forced me to wake up and make it to work on time. Kudos!

My Piece of $#1t Day

Woke up this morning and the first word out of my mouth was: "$#1t!" I was at least half an hour late to work. My phone - which doubles as my alarm clock - had unexpectedly died the previous night. From the second my feet hit the floor I knew it was going to be one of those days you try to forget. It was going to be one of those days during which every bad thing imaginable happened. I wasn't wrong.

Bad Day Stuff List Jigger

1. Since I wasn't able to get up in time to dry my clean uniform, I had to wear my wrinkled, not so clean uniform to work.

2. The road I usually take to work had a surprise construction site, making the drive longer and me even later.

3. It's never a good feeling when you know you kind of let your coworkers down by not being there during the lunch rush.

4. About ten minutes after clocking in I spilled a customers malt all over the floor. FML.

5. Unfortunately, a chain of bad events can cause some people to be pretty pissed for a long time. I was pretty much fuming throughout my shift. It's hard to make sure the customers don't notice you're having a bad day.

In spite of this, I would have to say I had a pretty good day. Life is so much easier when you compare the daily number of good things to the number of bad things. At least, in my case, the good always outweighs the bad. It might take a little practice, but I've found that by counting my blessings I am always a bit more satisfied with my life.

"Bad Day" Stuff List Jigger

1. My parents send me a pick me up "have a good day" or "love you" every other day. Thanks, parental units!

2. I live with my second family. My college roommates, Derrick, Nathan, Brett, and Steph, Brett's wife, took me in when I was homeless, naked, and poor. I owe them a LOT.

3. I work with my brother from another mother, Jeff Niesen. Props, brah! You make me love my job!

4. In the house in which I live, there are at least four computers, two Xboxes, and plenty of games. I've "wasted" many could-have-used-better hours on entertainment.

5. I love my job! Angie is pretty much the best boss I've ever had. It makes a difference when your boss pushes you to have a life outside of work. I just need to return the favor once in a while...

6. I'm not persecuted for my faith. As unpatriotic as I feel, it's a gift to be in a country where you can practice your beliefs freely.

7. I'm single. I have a LOT of time to do whatever the heck I want. I only have to worry about myself!...kinda...Also, I have a LOT of time. So much time. Any single ladies picking up the hint?

8. Guns 'n' Roses.

9. I spent four years studying music. It may not have landed me a career, but I would never go back and learn something more "practical." I understand the minds of J. S. Bach, Beethoven, and Chopin better than 75% of the music listeners in the world (Note: statistics invented, but hopefully still make a good point.).

10. You know those pajama pants that make you feel like you're not wearing anything? Yeah. I have those.

11. I don't think any customers noticed I was having a bad day. That, to me, is a success!

12. I was able to compile a longer list of good things than bad. Huzzah!

See? Off the top of my head I came up with twice as many good things than bad. Granted, some of what I listed doesn't "happen" every day, per se, but they are long term blessings. Statistically, my day was actually twice as good as I originally had perceived.

Ok, so maybe it doesn't really work that way, but it does help.

There's this neat tradition my friends and family practice on Thanksgiving: we try to think of at least one thing we are thankful for. If you're having a bad day, you might want to ask yourself what you're thankful for? I think you'll find that your list is longer than you expected.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog thingy! As the description in the "About Me" section says, this is where I will be posting my thoughts - well, some of them - from now on. You will see life updates, insights, random mental meandering, things I like, things I've heard other people like, naked mole rats, my obsessions, my monster peeves, yada yada bla bla bla and so on and so forth and what not.

I can't promise to update regularly, but hopefully the thoughts I do put on the screen are enough to add a bit of random interest to your otherwise much more interesting life.

Peruse if you dare...also, thanks for stopping by.