Now you've done it. You tried to make it a dirty joke, but it just turned out dirty. There was nothing "joke" about it. He may have lost a little respect for you just now.
Now you've done it. You just realized that your fly was undone pretty much all day. Awkward.
So, today's post is about awkward moments, and how to get the heck out of them.
Getting out of awkward situations is an art. For millenia, humans have been human, which means that pretty much everyone has been in an awkward moment since Adam started wearing fig leaves. Yet, we still seem to have trouble fishing ourselves out of a sticky situation.
The key to getting yourself out of an awkward moment is by playing up how awkward it is. It's already a weird situation, so why not go ahead and publicly acknowledge it? If you're going to acknowledge it, why not make it fun and see how far you can take it before the other person is weirded out or disgusted by you? That way, in the end, you can always say it was planned or just a joke. Let's take a look at the examples I listed above.
Okay, so you implied that you're gay on accident. What was it you said exactly? Let's take a look back - You: Oh yeah! Me and Keith sometimes sit on the love sack and share a bucket of ice cream while watching Sex & the City. - Now that's just bad mouth control on your part. How are you going to keep her from thinking you're gay? 'Cause you know, if she thinks you're gay, you're chance to hit that goes out the window. Stay calm. Here's what you do: First, you play it up by saying something like, "Whoa! That sounds gay...Yeah, me and Keith, we sit on the love sack together, but we don't cuddle or anything. And we do share a bucket of ice cream, but we each use our own spoon...but we are totally not gay! If there was one thing in a million that we weren't, it would be that we're not gay. I actually really do like boobs and what not. Keith is kinda flat and hairy...not to mention he's a guy...anyway..." Second, you throw the ball in her court to get her mind off you, "So, do you watch Sex & the City?" She's either going to say, "Oh my gosh, YES! I LOVE IT" or "uh...no." As long as you get her to think about the show, and not how gay you just made yourself look, you're on your way to safety. Lastly, you flatter her. Who cares if you actually think her outfit looks like she poured blended bunnies on piss colored fabric! Flatter her! Flatter her till your flattery makes no sense at all! The more you get her feeling good or self conscious about her image, the less she focuses on your awkward, gay mistake.
SO, dirty jokes. Nobody appreciates a good dirty joke like I do, especially if it's a "that's what she said" joke. Some TWSS's can be so freaking clever, it's unbelievable! The subtler you are, the awesomer the joke is. But this time, you screwed up. You just dropped the ball on this one. Your boobs are saggy and wrinkled, if boobs were a metaphor for dirty jokes. What was it you said, exactly?...in retrospect, I'd better not repeat what it was. It was pretty bad. Now you and your friend feel like you've been swimming in sin. Don't worry, stay calm. First, play it up by saying something like, "Whoa! That was uncalled for. I'm sorry. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I mean, I guess I was thinking it was gonna be funny, but it clearly wasn't. I was just trying to do it right and I failed. And you know that that's what she said!" Good. You turned your excuse for a bad joke into a TWSS. He loves those jokes as much as you do. Second, change the topic. Talk about that new film you watched last night. Talk about how you think your butt still looks good in skinny jeans. Talk about whether or not you think shaved cats are still cute. Anything to get his mind off your awful dirty joke. Lastly, flatter him. Who cares if you think his outfit looks like he borrowed newspapers from the hobos that live next to the Poor People's Swap 'n' Shop and made clothes out of them! Flatter him! Flatter him till you start thinking that newspaper shirt actually looks kinda nice! The more you get him thinking about how awesome he'd look at the Hobo-Model Runway, the less he's thinking about how dirty he feels because of your bad joke.
Your fly was undone all day. Everyone just about got a good glimpse of your Perky Perry or your Harry Hoo Hoo. This is one is a bit harder to get out of, because you risk sounding like an idiot, and you might ruin your image a little bit. But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Am I right? Okay, first of all, stay calm. Who cares if your fly was down! Be proud of it! You have nothing to hide! You are proud of your...erm...pride! Calmly zip up your pants and grin from ear to ear. Second, make up some story about how good air circulation has scientifically been proven to decrease the number of non functional sperm/eggs. Also, you don't sweat as much. People will think you're making some kind of joke, then they'll laugh at you. This is okay, though! You want them to not be thinking about your Jimmy Jenkins. Now they think that you're clever, or so confident that you don't even feel embarrassed about being caught with your fly down. Lastly, flatter them. Who cares if you think their pants look like they were made with afterbirth and then dipped in guano! Flatter them! Flatter them till they are convinced that walking around with their fly down is awesome! The more you get them thinking about their own zippers and Pecky Peters the less they'll be thinking about yours...unless of course the whole point was to get them to notice you in the first place...that's for a different blog post though.
This is pretty much the way I've been getting myself out of awkward moments for most of my life. It makes your life interesting, and you may find that people will like you more for it.
